Ms. Larda
My mother-in-law Ms. Larda is bigger than life in a lot of ways, if you know what I mean. She lives in Chalmette in her rebuilt shotgun double with Chopsley, her Chihuahua. Her two sons, Leech and Lurch, live on the other side, so she can keep a good eye on them, and do their laundry.
Gomer Gunch
After she got over her heartbreak, Ms. Larda married Gomer Gunch. All her kids changed their names from Lollapalooza to Gunch, except Gloriosa, who wasn’t born yet. Gomer was a good man, and they had many happy years until he died a natural death in bed, possibly because of Ms. Larda’s good cooking.
Lollapalooza
Ms. Larda’s first husband was a Lollapalooza. That was his name -- Louie Lollapalooza. He had an eye for the ladies, which was his downfall. He was dallying in the French Quarter with this floozy when her husband came home unexpected. He leapt for the closet, but it turned out to be the window, and he down he fell, with fatal results, as they say.
Larva
My sister in law Larva takes after her mama in looks, but not temperament. She is married to a former Japanese summo wrestler named Fred. They got three kids -- Locust, Amoeba and Pupa.
Leech and Lurch
My brothers-in-law Leech and Lurch are named for their borrowing and drinking habits respectably. Their baptismal names were Leonard and Lawrence, but I don’t know which was which and I doubt they do either. They're more-or-less faithful girlfriends are Chicklet and Trinket, (hearts of gold and brains of Kitty Litter) whose daddy, my gentleman friend Lust, owns the Sloth Lounge.
Gloriosa
My other sister-in-law is Gloriosa, the Gunch family beauty. She got both brains and bosoms (and don’t owe a penny on them because she grew them herself, naturally). She married into the Uptown Snott family. Her husband, Proteus III, and her have a boy and a girl, Comus and Momus. She got no problems whatsoever except the kind she invents to keep herself amused -- if you don’t count her mother-in-law, Sarcophaga, who got the disposition of Satan.
Lout
My late husband, poor heart, was Lout. He and me got married right out of high school; moved into a house down the street from Ms Larda; had our ups and downs and three kids, Gumdrop, Gargoyle and the baby, Gladiola. Lout tragically died a hero’s death ten years ago. During the first Saints’ game of the year, he climbed up on the roof of the Sloth Lounge to straighten the satellite dish and got struck by lightening. It was terrible, but the bright side was he was pre-cremated. We scattered his ashes into the Mississippi River off of the Canal Street ferry.
Lust
Me and Ralf Lust got to be a romantic item a couple of years after Lout passed on. He was already almost part of the Gunch family before then, and he puts up with a lot from them, but he says I am worth it. He owned the Sloth Lounge I in Chalmette, which ain't there no more, but thank God, he opened the Sloth II in the French Quarter before Katrina.
Gladiola
Gladiola, my youngest, goes to Celibacy Academy, just like her mother and her grandmother before her. She just got her driver’s license, and one of these days she hopes she will have something to drive. I don’t know about that.
Gargoyle
My son Gargoyle goes to LSU, but he likes to come home and wallow on the couch, which is only a few steps away from the fridge, being as our apartment is so tiny. Me and my high school daughter, Gladiola, like it just fine. It sure beats a FEMA trailer, which was our other choice after Katrina turned our house into a mud puddle.
Gumdrop
My daughter Gumdrop has developed a habit of having babies on Mardi Gras. She has only done it twice so far, but I bet she ain’t done yet. Her children, and my precious grandbabies, are Lollipop and Go-Cup. She is married to her high school boyfriend, Slime, a computer guru. Gumdrop also owns two cats, Rocky and Carlo’s.
Slime
Now, Slime’s first name ain’t really Slime, of course. That would be ridiculous. His mama and daddy, Dr. and Dr. Slime, are dentists. They are very busy and had time to have only one child, so they named him after both of them. Their names are Salvador and Amanda, so he is Salamanda. Naturally, he don’t tell anybody that. We call him Slime.
Lollipop
Go-Cup
* Put your mouse on a picture to hear more about my family, dawlin'.
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© Liz Scott Monaghan (content) and Rosemary Lewis (illustrations)
© Liz Scott Monaghan (content) and Rosemary Lewis (illustrations)